Monday, August 4, 2008

I got a new drug

When you get bored, you really need to check out!  I absolutely love this site, as it really makes me feel connected.  Connected to a cult of home-schooling, stay at home moms with lots of free time and an obsession for frugal shopping.  I love being in a cult, even though I am childless and work all day (work being a relative term some days).  But they all come up with these ridiculous ways to not only save money but to work the system to actually earn money shopping.  HUH??  Because of them, I am now like a heroin addict, reviewing sales circulars secretly published 3 weeks ahead of time, hacked into by these mommy money-savers, compiling documents that cross reference coupons versus sales and filing them away in my Coupon Notebook, replete with dividers and organizer pockets.

Okay, tomorrow I am getting FREE TOILET PAPER!!!  OMG, I am light headed at the thought. And it's not even knock off toilet paper, either.  It's the good stuff.  I'm going to do the Wipe My Ass Happy Dance every time I go to the bathroom, "Freeeeee, freeeeeee, poopin' for freeeeee!"  I am so glad I don't live in an apartment anymore, so the odds of someone hearing me sing with glee are quite slim.

I don't know what's going on with me, between hanging out with the 60-something dog show crowd and the coupon ladies online.  Perhaps this is a result of not having had a therapist for 4 months.  I can see me sitting amidst a pile of crap that I will never use (assuming my crack habit spirals out of control), just my head peeking out of a massive pile of boxes and Walgreen's bags.  Dogs ignored, hygiene ignored (in spite of my 342 bottles of free Listerine after rebate, did you know BRUT deodorant is a money maker?), house in desperate need of dusting, but I am pinned down by the bonus 800 roll pack of paper towels, unable to get to my free Swiffers and my only-paid $0.18-out-of-pocket Pledge.  They'll find my mummified remains only after a 3 year long archaeological dig from the guys at Got Junk!

This is a prime example of "I'm glad it's not just me."  There's a whole community of people like this.  I wonder how long I'll keep this up?  Will I become a true crack whore or will this fizzle and burn out?  I'm suspecting crack whore destiny, as I have already assembled a Coupon Wonder Binder (coupon scissors go in this pouch and my single hole punch goes right here--that way I can punch holes in my CVS ECB deals monthly flyer and the Walgreen's EasySaver book and put them in my binder for easy reference!).  Sounds serious to me.  It's bad enough my pal Angela inspired me to start a blog.  Should I start blogging about my purchases and posting pictures of them with a detailed summary of what I paid out of pocket, after coupons and so on (and trust me, the urge is strong!), shoot me.  Angela and Katy can fight over my Coupon Wonder Binder when I'm gone.

Once you get a taste of real hard-ass couponing, you can't go back.  It's like going black, baby.
I wonder if I end up homeless because of all this coupon induced spending, if CVS would let me keep one of those mini shopping carts?  Puppy Map could ride in the kiddie basket and OMG!  I just had an idea!!!  GET A PART TIME JOB AT CVS TO GET AN EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT!!!  Of course that's kind of like an alcoholic working as a bartender.  Not the smartest route.  Like a crack whore selling crack to get money to buy more crack.  The similarities are starting to scare me.

Did I tell you that I can buy some Monistat Chafe Relief Cream for friggin free???  Yeah, I have (be prepared for lingo now), I have $6 in ECBs plus a $2 mfg coop and it's only $7.99 a tube.  PLUS you earn $3 ECBs with purchase!  AND the ladies at just found a $2/10 coupon!!  Of course I'd have to buy a filler of at least $2.01.  After savings, it's like they're paying me $185 to buy it!!!  Bring on the sweaty thighs--momma got her some chafe-y cream!  With the CVS game, chafing is my friend!  I can't wait till Saturday because I know I'm gonna chafe at the dog show.  Wearing a skirt, frictiony thighs, sweating my butt off in the hot warehouse building the show is in.  I'm lugging along my tube and will slather up liberally and repeatedly, as the cream is FREEEEEE!!!  Sparks are flying down there, but I don't give a hoot--I got free CHAFE CREAM!!!

Oh God.  I need help.   Does anyone know of a CVS-aholics club in Nashville?

Squat and Gobble Farm

Have you ever stumbled across something completely by accident that simply cracked you up?

I have been helping with some 4-H kids, teaching them how to show their dogs. I was meeting some other dog ladies to help them with another training session. We were to meet at their traditional meeting spot, which is located near the fairgrounds in Wilson County. I wasn't quite sure where this place was, so I looked it up online, starting at the website for the city of Lebanon.

Of course I was shocked to find a promotion for the Squat and Gobble Farm. I kid you not! As you might well assume, my mind went straight to the gutter! Who the hell names their farm, "squat and gobble?!?" My next thought was, "Damn. That name is taken. What am I supposed to name my farm?!?"

I didn't check out their website, but my guess is that farmers Lance and Chad have a small goat ranch on the outskirts of town. Free tours to families with underage boys on Fridays!
No need to tell me: I already know I'm going to hell. : )