Monday, June 18, 2012

Live Action! Now with more varmints!

I really watch too much TV.

Yesterday found me enthralled by a Gator Boys marathon followed by a few episodes of Call of The Wildman on Animal Planet.  At least the Gator Boys show has some redeeming qualities, like they don't kill the gators and either keep them or relocate them, which is cool.  The show borders on educational.  

Call of the Wildman?  No redeeming qualities whatsoever.  None.  Zippo.

Call of the Wildman is a show based on the escapades of one Ernie Brown Jr., aka Turtleman.  He travels the backwoods of Kentucky removing nuisance wildlife from peoples' homes, relocating vicious snapping turtles and reinforcing country bumpkin stereotypes.  

He's got about as much business acumen as he does teeth.  Instead of getting paid for his services, he seems to get compensated in jars of honey or in captured snakes.  No wonder he has to resort to home-made equipment, like a protective suit of towels duct taped to his arms and some leftover netting to create an anti-bee and skunk suit.

One of the more recent episodes had Turtleman getting raffled off at a fair in one of those Buy A Date With A Local Celebrity kind of gig.  I believe he went for over $700 to a trio of big haired country gals.  Big haired country gals who thought he'd take them someplace nice, like a restaurant.  Um, did you just see the part where he attempted to eat a sandwich he'd lost 4 days earlier under the seat of his truck?  Yeah, restaurant.

Turns out he took them to a mud hole to remove three snapping turtles.  Perfect!  One for each gal!

Between his scrawny chest and his bumpkin jihad scream, he managed to coerce them into the stangant pond.  This is where things got hysterical for me.

Imagine a happy-go-lucky redneck and Kentucky's equivalent of a Jersey Shores Girl submerged in muddy water up to their chins.  This is Turtleman's dialogue (the girls are mostly just squealing in horror):

Feel anything?

It's pretty good sized, huh?

You got it? Pull! Pull haaaard!  Don't let go!!!!

At this point I am shrieking in hysterics in front of the TV, scaring my dogs.  "Tugging on the turtle's tail," now has a whole new meaning in my book!

Turtleman is so caught up with his turtles that I'm not sure he truly appreciates the hilarity of his double entendres.  Or maybe he does.  

Those reality shows can be pretty staged.  For all I know, once the cameras stop rolling, he showers, puts in his teeth and struts about town speaking the Queen's English.  You know, 'cause that's what I do.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Ass? Meet Tea Kettle

I have a huge fear of falling.  Why? I don't know.  Maybe my mother dropped me on my head when I was a baby.  Actually, that wouldn't surprise me and would probably explain a few things.

Anyway, my aunt and I decided to tackle cleaning out my garage and making a pile of stuff to put in a yard sale.  Cool.  We're going to the beach together in a few weeks and that'd be a great way to pay for gasoline.

I'm not a hoarder, but I do have issues getting rid of stuff.  I can't possibly throw that away!  I could use it for . . . yeah, no.

After those hoarder shows started airing on cable, I realized it could happen to me if I let it.  Over lunch once, a friend said she told her husband he's "one dead cat away from being on Hoarders."  

Brilliant!  My new mantra!  Now I look at stuff differently:  do I really need this . . . used paper bag?  Broken bird feeder?  Hole riddled underpants?  Really?  Really??  

One dead caaaaat!  

The thought of me shuffling through a maze of haphazardly stacked newspapers, worn clothes and empty Crystal Light containers, with the distant sound of kittens meowing is more than enough to get me to throw crap away!

The piles in the garage got away from me before I came to this new way of thinking. Luckily, my aunt Cathy loves to clean and organize.  I don't know where she got that from and am guessing she's a mutant.  Or adopted.  But who am I to deny her the archaeological adventure that is my garage?

So we dug around, looking for junk to sell.

Apparently I had forgotten that I had pushed my lawn mower into the driveway when we first began digging.  I realized it was behind me when I backed into it with my calves while dragging a massive dog crate out of the garage.  Whoopsie!

I hate those slow motion moments almost as much as I hate the thought of falling . . . that out of control feeling of knowing what's about to happen, but being helpless to stop it.  Damn.

When I backed into the mower, I was thrown off balance and landed on my butt on top of it, which then started rolling--with me on it--down the hill!  I flailed around uselessly, sliding for what seemed like forever and distinctly remember thinking, "Ass over teakettle!" which made me laugh.

Somehow, I toppled off of the lawn mower before it rolled between our cars and into the street, but not before bruising the hell out of my both my ass and my pride.

Cathy was mortified!  I was thrilled, not because I fell, but because nothing seemed broken and she appeared to be the only witness!  As hilarious as my pinwheeling self looked in my mind's eye, I really had no desire to see the real thing on YouTube. Some visuals are better left to the imagination.

I still fear falling, but my skull is intact, we had a good laugh and now I can dance around in my garage.  

Friday, April 27, 2012

Back in the Saddle

Okay, I really have to start writing again.

I just wasted half an hour reading through my old entries and actually made myself laugh out loud a few times.

I don't have anything particularly insightful or witty to say right at this moment, but I'm sure Jack will do something disgusting this weekend to inspire me.  He's helpful that way.

I'm between "walks" this week.  A few weeks back, I walked the NAMI walk and dragged the mafia along.  They had a fabulous time and got lots of love.  Unfortunately for me, Map is a delicate Princess and I had to heft her fluffy ass about half a mile in my arms on the way back!

Here's a live action shot of the crew on the walk.  I love the swish action of Map's skirt.

Next weekend I'm meeting up with my friend Michelle in Cincinnati to walk the Flying Pig 3K on the 5th.  The dogs have to sit this one out.  Too bad for them!

I, however, expect to have an incredible weekend!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Summer starts in the garden

Long time, no write.  I have to get back in the habit of writing again, so here goes!

I went to a fantastic nursery in Murfreesboro with my aunt Cathy and mom a few weeks back.  Deciding to change my ways of buying plants and letting them die in the container, I thought perhaps I should actually PLANT them.  Go figure.

I've been wanting to do something in the area by the dining room window for ages.  I had a dogwood tree there, but after a few years, it died of thirst.  Its remains are haphazardly tossed on the front porch . . . perhaps I should toss it!  Anyway,  while at Martin's, I found some perennials that I loved and were incredibly priced.  Who knew?

So yesterday I got up around 5 am and planted a crepe myrtle, three white gaura and a white butterfly bush before the weather got too hot. 

Here's the spot before, looking a little scrappy because I was dumping grass clippings there:

Then after a few hours of digging, spreading and a second run for extra mulch, this is what I ended up with:

The bed looks a tad sparse now, but they'll all fill in over time.  It's better to be sparse than too dense.  A house just like mine down the street was landscaped a few years ago.  They went overboard and after a year or two, it's like some kind of crazy, overgrown jungle.  Live and learn.

I have a second butterfly bush to plant closer to the porch, and would eventually like to add more beds along the side of the house and fence.  Less lawn to mow, if you catch my drift.  But one step at a time.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Huh huh huh!

Funny Baby Photos - Fingerstache Baby!

I found this much by accident this morning and found it to be hilarious!  
(there used to be a picture of some infant with a mustache above)
This poor child is doomed? Why do I say that? Get a look at it's future:

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Yesterday's work highlight

Long time, no post!

Yesterday was quite entertaining. Bob was in town repairing the Reveal and I spent a bit of time in the lab with him brushing up on how to run the damned thing. But the high point of the day was from my incessant bantering with Chris.

Somehow, the conversation had yet again turned to disposing of dead bodies.

Denise: Oh, you could just douse it with LN2 and then shatter it.

Chris: Um, nooooo. I watch CSI and that is not true. They tried to do that with a turkey and it just bounced.

Denise: Really? We put a Hostess Ding Dong in liquid nitrogen and it shattered when we threw it on the floor.

Chris: Ummmm, a turkey is not a Ding Dong.

Denise: Huh huh, I made you say ding dong!

Yeah, it doesn't take much to amuse me. And with the new guy around, I'm amused pretty much all the time.

Tee hee!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Stay-Cation Day Five: all in a day's work

Whew. It's just after six and I'm pleased. I have only two more days until back to work, so I need to make the most of it. I don't have any specific plans with anyone this weekend, which is good. This weekend's plans are to paint that last living room wall, paint the kitchen and make the great room (living, dining and kitchen) presentable. Showering, optional.

I am not sure but my band may be doing something. I met Mary and Stacy Jane and we went to Amerigo's. I was hankering for their Margarite Chicken. YUM. Usually I can polish off tons of bread and my entire entree. Today I had two little pieces of bread and barely touched my lunch! Granted, the first two bites of pasta I had, I snarfed down. That kinda hung up around bandy, and after that, I just didn't have the same gusto for it. So I have plenty of leftovers for dinner tonight.

I ran a few more errands after I dropped them off at work, then took a nap, and then hit the garage again. This morning, I had ripped down some plywood and painted the strips black.


I got some small bolts while out, so I was ready to start hanging brackets to see if my plan worked. The bolts cost me $3. Everything else I had in my garage.

First, I did the one by the garbage can. I have tons of roll-y carts that I'm always tripping over or losing. I decided this would be where they would live. They aren't all that wide, so I also thought I could hang my chair in a bag on it, too. Here's the location where I was going to install this thing:

before rack one

I mounted (huh huh, I said mounted) the big hook while it was flat and the second hook was an impulse done after I hung it. Yeah, not to self: easier when flat!

rack 1

Then it was just a matter of figuring out how to load it. After 2 or 3 tries, here's how it ended up:

rack 1 loaded

Off to the next bracket, which was going to hold my dog show dolly. That thing is always in the way (usually I just leave it in the trunk) and it is quite heavy. It needed to be off the floor and out of the way. Here's where it was going:

before rack 2

I used some "free" brackets I found in a box, measured stuff out (using my current close enough for government work rationale), and hung this thing. It all went up easy, but getting the nuts on the back of the bolts in such close quarters was a challenge. I dropped them several times and swore quite a bit. I know swears, you know.

rack 2

Then I dragged that heavy assed dolly and hung it. Of course I was like, this first? Then that? What about the other way around. Let's just say before I got it to what I wanted, I got in a good upper body workout for the day.

rack 2 loaded

I also loaded up all the extra crates and doggy exercise pens on the shelf adjacent to it. No more x-pens in the house, save for the one by the door. I use that like an air lock in a space ship for when guests come and go out the front door. I prefer to not wildly chase miscreant corgis through the neighborhood.

I almost didn't fool with bracket 3 because I didn't know what I wanted to put on it. Meh. I just decided to put two more heavy duty hooks and hang my sawhorses. That may not live there permanently, but it's good for now. And it gets more crap off the floor.

sawhorses hanging

I think that's about all I plan to do in the garage over this break. I'll save the rest of the piddle-farting around in there for when it gets a bit cooler.

The rest of the weekend will be indoors and painty. FUN! Well, not excruciating. And I can watch TV over my shoulder while I work. My only fear: pulling out the fridge. I'm scairt of what might be back there. Be sure to listen for the girl scream, especially if bugs are involved.